It's December...

Oh No! The Number of Gay Characters on TV is ON THE RISE?!?!?!

Here's a quick clip from a Christian News program. Why isn't this a 24 hour news network?... oh, FOX... Right.



To be fair, they showed Glee and it isn't so much that they have a gay character on the show, but that the show itself is... never mind.

I Dare You Not to Smile at This:

That is all.

Ray Harrington Talent Agency: Client #1

I Don't Even Know What To Say #1

I found this on facebook a few minutes ago. My brain won't stop screaming. To think that in the 40's, a teenage girl wrote a touching, poignant journal that made it's way from tragedy and exile to true freedom as a warning and a remembrance of life lost. And now, in 2010, girls that very same age can go on Facebook and write this:










This makes my brain and my heart fight to see who gets to overdose on apathy first. I remember putting up my Anne Frank on YouTube short and getting some people saying it was in poor taste. Little did they know, it was a warning. Now it seems that video is more true than funny.

Congratulations, you three tiny, teenage wastelands. You now have more in common with the people Anne Frank was hiding from. If you need me, I'll be at home. Upstairs. Quietly fashioning a hiding spot for when you get older. I'd say I have 20 years or so.

The Greatest Film of All Time?

Oh, juggalos. First it was the GATHERING OF THE MUTHA F'N JUGGALOS video, then there were some questions about magnets working and rainbows. Now you made a movie? A western comedy? Oh, tell me you wear the clown make-up throughout the entire movie! You do! Perfect. I'll get your oscar ready now!

Reality is Funnier (Case File #5)

Finally! A perfect case study on how the average brain is affected by prolonged exposure to Fox News with a high dosage of Glenn Beck. Symptoms: Insane make-up, poor editing, having a microphone that's not plugged into anything, mouthing the words of the other person, incoherent and mildly autistic social skills, and dressing like a clown rapist.

Reality Is Funnier (Case File #4)

Christian music is strange to begin with. It seems to be whatever popular genre is hitting mixed with Christian lyrics. This makes the music... stale? Boring? Devoid of real meaning? Hear me out. If having a band or even "band" (I use quotation marks to include "musicians" that "perform" "songs" like the go-to example of Britney Spears but now includes most anything listened to anyone under 16) ANYWAY... If having a band or "band" that does music about just one myopic, exclusionary topic is really good, then where are the Christian music stars OUTSIDE of Christian music? It's a pop-culture phenomenon that is truly perplexing, if not a genius way to rake in cash. (Read Rapture Ready, an amazing book about Christian Pop and how big the industry is)

My semi-serious point in a blog meant to be funny? (relax, the funny is a few sentences away) This video may be hilarious to the point of seeming like a parody, but it's seriously not far from Christian Music's core. In other words, this is what they like, produce, and listen to.... every day. Sobering fact, I know. Like when you found out people actually watch Glee for real.

My favorite part of the video? That it's 'Christ-like' to blast shitty bass from your trash import so loud that the elderly can't eat breakfast. What in made-up-God's name is that about? For the life of me I can't understand it and if you do, let me know. At least this guy is probably up to his gold crucifix in Christian Hip-Hop pussy. Shame he has to wait for marriage.



Thanks to Kelsey for the link.

Zach Anner is My New Favorite Person

So Oprah is on some search for a 'new Oprah' or some such poop. They might as well just fill the hour with more terrible Meredith Vierra Millionaire. I think that show is on 400 times a day... My point? Glad you (didn't) ask.

Zach Anner is in the running in Oprah's contest for a show. While, it pains me to involve myself with Oprah's day-to-day, I really hope Zach gets the win. Why? He's unbelievably likable, he's funny, entertaining, and is more than just a wheelchair gimmick. I would watch his travel show, and you should too!

So watch this and if you like it, vote for him HERE. If you don't like it, then why are you reading this? You clearly have no sense of humor, or a heart. So vote for him. He already gets the best parking, now give him a show!

Reality Is Funnier (Case File #3)

Oh, Westboro Baptist Church. You gay hating, crazy machine. If you're not familiar with these people, you are missing out on the purist form of religious insanity. You know, the people that picket soldier's funerals with "God Hates Fags" signs? Yeah, them. Given the fact that they believe God made 9-11 happen because we allow homosexuality, this video is pretty tame in comparison... still bat-shit crazy though.

Like I say in all the Case Files: This is only hilarious because it's genuine. My brain is screaming that it has to be a parody, but this is as real as the WBC get.



Seriously, why the hell did the FBI burn Waco to the ground and Westboro is still going strong? Let's get our priorities straight here people! Koresh didn't fuck with mourning families at funerals. Way to get the wrong crazies, Janet Reno. (If you were born before 1990, you have no idea what I'm talking about.)

Internet Through History

Anne Frank wrote a diary of a war that changed the world. Our teenagers talk on YouTube. Enjoy:

New Round of BULLY Videos!

The more I watch these, the more I realize I'm a terrible person:









Please don't judge me.

I Dare You Not To Smile

I'm not a cynical bastard all the time. Here's my proof; This video brightened up my day, week, month, etc. No comedy here, just some seriously good feelings... See? I'm not a monster!

A word of warning: This will swell your heart Grinch style so you may want tissues at the ready. This 6'7" grown man teared up.

Meet An Average American

This is why we should have an IQ test before allowing someone to vote:

Obligatory Post On Hating Sarah Palin (probably #1 of many)

So the National Day of Prayer. Some people think it's not cool, others think it's fine. Either way, Palin has to spout off about it. So here she is on O'Reilly sputtering some of the most infuriating "Just a good ol' 'merican woman who doesn't want to waste my day reading books or discussing anything remotely questionable or questioning of what I already hold as truth and will never waver from." bullshit. She's really go at it though. To constantly and continuously be the go-to for this bullshit is pretty impressive, given the growth of the TeaParty.

Anyway, the point is this. Quote:

• "Create law based on the God of the Bible and the Ten Commandents, it’s quite simple.”

Holy shit. I'm not going to go into the whole thing here, mainly because this is a "Comedy" blog and not a "Seriously, let's re-learn history and counterpoint this crazy cartoon of a woman" blog. But I will say this, do you REALLY want to base ANY rules or laws on the Bible, Sarah? Are you sure? What about Leviticus 20:10 that says adulterers should just be murdered? Should we go ahead and round everyone up now, or wait for you to run for president? There's Leviticus that says we can't cut our hair. It also says we should murder anyone who 'curseth' their parent. That's a lot of people to round up and kill. Leviticus has some really good shit in it that we can turn into American Law. Basically, anyone fucking around should be killed along with who they were fucking around with. Seriously, it's easier and completely accurate to sum it up that way.

ANYWAY... here's the video:




And what does she suggest for people who aren't Christian? Who follow other religions or aren't religious?

"Yay! Welcome to America!"

Or as the bible would put it: Kill anyone with a different religion. (Deuteronomy 17:2-7)

Congratulations FOX, you have given a platform to THE most vacuous, ignorant.... Cunt. Yeah, I said it. Cunt. Sarah Palin is a Cunt with a capital C. If there is one person who deserves that moniker, it's Sarah Palin, that hypocritical... stupid... cunty... hateful... cunt.

Damn it! She's making me so mad right now and I'm just trying to write something quick for my blog and be on my way. I have better things to do than to write about Sarah Palin being a Cunt on FOX. And I'm sure you have better things to do than read about Sarah Palin being a Cunt on FOX. And yet, here we are. I'm writing, you're reading, and Sarah Palin is being a Cunt.

Happy Mother's Day

Reality Is Funnier (Case File #2)

I love Tim and Eric and this just feels like it came from them.... but it didn't. 9 minutes of sword swinging, meat cutting, rope slicing mayhem? Yes. Overweight man swinging a giant piece of metal at dead things? Yes. Seriously amazing production? Yes. It has it all, including a quote I'll be saying for the rest of my life:

"Flick, flick, flick... and off comes a part... of twenty pounds of beef."

Reality Is Funnier (Case File #1)

Every once in a while I stumble across something that makes me realize that no matter what the latest funny (?) SNL parody clip is, or the satirical Onion headline may read, there are just too many bat-shit crazy things that are real. These case files are just a few of those absurd, are-you-sure-this-is-actually-real? things. Moments that make your brain scream that it's a joke and you wait for the laugh track... but it never comes. It never, ever comes....Enjoy.

It's What I Hear In My Head...

This song needs to be triple platinum by tomorrow. Also, I think we now know what would happen if the Fresh Prince and Carlton had a child... He would grow up to dance(?) and sing(?) "Big Booty Bitches... Big... Big... Booty Bitches... Haaaaa!"

Enjoy

CPR Course BULLY

Here's a new BULLY video for you. Enjoy! (And send it to your friends) More to come!

There's No Such Thing As A Stupid Question, But....

So I have been watching The Little Chocolatiers because... well... it's like someone crept inside my brain while I was dreaming happy, wonderful dreams and stole a box of hope from my head. Then they put it in 30 minute increments on TLC. Watch it.

ANYWAY... I started feeling guilty about my midget joke and was concerned I was maybe being a jerk. I know 'midget' isn't a cool term, but I can't help it. I have no hang ups about little people. In fact, you put me on Little Chocolatiers, I'm gonna be delighted. I will light up like a child and get to work on getting diabetes in the most fun way possible. The possibilities are endless for a 6'7" giant like me, a couple of little folks, and a mountain of confectionery joy. The danger of looking like, and meeting the same demise as, Agustus Gloop is high, but that's beside the point. I just don't want to piss someone off because I do the joke. If I offend someone, I want it to be for the right reason. (Like the guy that threatened to shoot me for doing a pro-gay-marriage joke. Now THAT guy, I want to piss off) Needless to say, I was worrying about the joke, the context, the wording, etc.

Then I checked google.




















Go to google. It's real. So I guess I don't have to worry. At least I'm aware of my shortcomings (seriously, no pun intended). I may do a midget joke, but I'm not asking the internet if they have souls.... Oh, and I really want to know where the thought process in someone's mind leads to asking 'do midgets go to jail'.

I Guess ICP Means 'I Can't Process'

I know this is somewhat old news. It's been out for nearly a week and that makes it Social Security Old in internet years. (Even SNL did a bit about it, so it HAS to be played out) But I had to throw it on here because it simply makes me... exhausted. Every logical part of me screams this has to be a joke.... but I'm starting to think they're serious.



Someone should make them watch just one episode of Beakman's World. It would blow their minds. I would say show them Bill Nye, but I think it might be over their heads.

Dear ICP,

Go back to rapping about hatchets and hating women. Know your limits.

The internet is a miracle,

Ray Harrington

Why My Career As A Children's Movie Producer Is Failing

The Trouble With Bunnies (is They Die)

Cupcakes, Candy, and Sexuality

Let’s Eat Glass!

The Magic Van with No License Plates

The Passion of the Christ

Schindler’s Wacky Ride

Adventures In Planned Parenthood

Transgender Summer Camp II

Your Dog Didn’t Go To Live on a Farm

Bed Knobs and Broom Sticks and Bone Cancer

Pulp Fiction Jr.

Gary Totter: The Magic Thing of Magic Place

Santa Saves Hannukah

The Fantastical Abandoned Refrigerator

American History ‘Xcellent!

Um, Canada... You're A Little Creepy

Here's a clip from some 80's gameshow in Canada. I can't help but wonder what Double Dare would have been like if Mark Somers were like this. I bet a lot more kids would have been slimed.